Characterization Clarification

Yesterday’s 48 hour snapshot generated some private message questrions, I will endeavor to answer them:

1) What is the diagnosis? I see “extreme spasticity,” but that is a symptom, not a diagnosis.

Answer: There is no current diagnosis. Extreme spasticity is caused by a family of neurological issues. Some have been eliminated in my case, others have not.

After 7 months of critical levels of pain and debilitation, my neurologist, my wife and I decided to move forward with treatment to lower the levels of pain and provide a greater range of function.

Many, many evil questions remain. Some, I don’t look forward to the answer.

2) Questions about my spirituality and potential depression.

Answer: I believe God is showing me a new path and he is carrying me. I am considerably frustrated with my body and not being able to depend on it for anything. (I walked about 500 steps this morning!!! — now, I’m going to be in a chair for the remainder of the day… so much for making plans.)

Am I depressed? I would imagine so. I try not to think of the future, because it terrifies me. I focus on the hear and now and what I can do at that moment. My ability levels change, literally, at the blink of an eye.

I do not want your pity. What I want is your friendship. The most positive result of all of this is that people that have been in the shadows have come forth and offered support privately. When an old friend does that, my heart rejoices and I usually tear up while I’m answering.

Issue Characterization

So that those that desire might have a better understanding of the range of extreme spasticity I give you an example from the last 48 hours of my life.

Yesterday I was very proud that I could use a power drill to screw in six screws to put brackets for a shelf.

Today, I am remanded to a wheelchair, and and writing this through voice recognition.

I can’t seem to pour coffee into a cup without destroying the cabinet. I can’t place things properly with my hands. Typing which are usually accomplished at about 80 or more words a minute is not quite possible.

Two years ago I was a key engineer in upgrading approximately 15,000 computers from Windows XP to seven. Now, it is a challenge to send e-mail.

There are people that have risen to the occasion and although they don’t consider themselves angels, I do.

Doctor visits have lost their luster

I think that I have crossed another threshold.  Until today, I would look forward to visiting the doctor.  I think I may have hit saturation point.

It is not that I don’t like my doctors, they are the finest in the world.  It’s more of like when my dogs get taken to the vet.  They are excited to leave the house, but man, when they realize they are getting shots, they freak.

I think the cause is that we are in a slow increase in my medication.  Where will it stop?  Nobody knows.  This is a tedious process.  It will take months to get all the dosages right and then me to relearn and retrain my body.  I’m just tired of change.

However, I should be happy with this.  Change now means “Progress.”  Why do I feel so damn down when I look at the calendar and see, “Yeah, another doctor’s appointment.”  I can’t answer that.  I can tell you, and it should be no surprise, that I realize I am head-first into depression.  It will be the subject of today’s doctor visit.